My beliefs explained

I’d like to explain a little bit about my ‘beliefs’ today. Yesterday at school, me and some classmates started talking about religion and the beliefs we have, maybe even share.
Eventhough I was brought up a catholic christian, went to church, sang in the church choire, I never really ‘believed’, always doubted the bible and the existance of a God.
When I was twelve, my grandpa died. He had been in the hospital for a long time, but could come home for Christmas. Shortly after, he died. I entirely stopped believing.
Some of you how know me well enough, know I always want to know ‘why?’. I have to know, need to know. But there are some questions in life to which the answer will be ‘just because’. And that’s fine with me. Really. If there is no ‘why’ to answer, I want to know ‘how’. Both those questions weren’t explained to me in the bible, in church or by any other belief in a deity.
By now you probably know I’m an atheïst, but since there are misconceptions to what that actually means, I will explain what it means to me. When we were talking about our beliefs, one of my classmates said she couldn’t understand how I could not believe in anything but science. ‘It’s just too black and white, there has to be something..’ Why?
To me, being an atheist first of all means I do not believe there ever was, is, or will be some sort of God, a supernatural power, a deity, that created the universe, our planet, us or anything on it. I do not believe there is a God who cares about us, gets involved in what we do or what we think. I do not believe there is a God that guides is, shows us what’s right or wrong, and rewards or punishes us for our choices.
Then, what do I believe?
I believe that the universe, our planet and everything on it is awesome, magnificent and that there is no ‘why’ to it, just ‘how’. Understanding how, when, where, or just trying to, is what I believe in. Standing in awe at a sky full of stars, a forest, snow, oceans, even the grass on my lawn. Walking barefoot on sand, grass, earth. Feeling the sun on my skin, or the icy breath of winter. Not to mention all the amazing animals, just going about their business. And then to have a slight understanding to how it all works? That’s awesome. And the fact that it just ‘happened’, not designed or planned by a creator, is pure awesomeness.
Being an atheïst to me doesn’t mean being hedonistic, self-centered, that there is no good or evil, or thinking I have no purpose in life, no right or reason to be here.
I’m grateful to be here, learning about life, having loving relationships, admiring this world, this universe, just as it is. I care about other people, I do believe in ‘good’, I try to do good things.
Which brings me to pantheïsm. While reading ‘The God Delusion’ by Richard Dawkins I came to a paragraph which discusses Spinoza and his pantheïstic beliefs (up for discussion, I know, but that’s not relevant here). I searched online for a definition of pantheïsm and found this:
‘Pantheïsm states that God is no deity beyond our reality, no ‘person’. God is everything and everything is God. Time, space, matter, nature, and it just being possible that those things ‘are’, is God.
To me that sounds wonderful. If only there was another word to describe it than God.
I can’t think of another word that describes this process, not even Gaia, Mother Nature or all the other names nature has been given over the centuries to describe our amazement at the beauty of it all. I can only think of ‘Everything’, but stating I believe in ‘Everything’ doesn’t quite cut it, if you catch my drift.
At this website they compare atheïsm to pantheïsm, stating atheïsm is more likely to be hedonistic, but I’ll just ignore that for now. From now on, leaving the word ‘God’ out of the picture, I will describe my being atheïst like this, when asked.